In my 17 years of marriage, I offer you a few tips to help you, as a husband, to strengthen and nourish your marriage.
Tip #1: Express Appreciation
How often do you tell your wife what you admire about her? How often do you express appreciation? Appreciation can be about something she did that you admired. It can be character qualities about her that you love. It can be things about her physical appearance that you appreciate most. A lot of us don’t say the positive things we appreciate because we’re so consumed with the negative. We need to make a concerted effort to look for the good. Each night when you have your quality time together, start out by expressing appreciation. Comment on at least one thing you’ve admired or appreciated about your wife over the past 1-2 days. For example: “That was a great dinner, honey!”; “Thank you for washing my clothes!”; “I like the way you rearranged the furniture, sweetheart!”; “Hey, I noticed you got the car washed today. I really appreciate you taking the time out of your busy day.”; or “You’ve had a long day, why don’t we go out to dinner?”….. Doing so will make her feel loved and cherished.
Tip #2: Provide Affection
Do you provide regular affection? Most women love affection. They want to be touched in a way they like. So, ask your wife what kind of affection she likes most. Would she prefer a massage? Where? Feet, shoulders, neck or all of the above? What about holding hands? Do you go for walks with her? Some women love all types of affection, and some are very particular. My wife, for example, prefers a foot massage or holding hands when we go for a walk. Maybe your wife likes it when you whisper in her ear; or when you come up behind her and give her a hug. I have had to learn how to show affection to my wife and so do you. Therefore, don’t assume you know how your wife likes to be touched. You must ask her and be receptive to her feedback. Then provide her with the kind of affection she likes. Also, one of the worst things you can do is only touch her when you want to have sex. Your wife will quickly notice and resent your affection because she will feel like there’s ulterior motives. You must provide affection much more often. As you notice things you admire and appreciate about your wife, let her know through your words and affectionate touch. She will respond to you in a more positive way when she feels that you truly care about her.
Tip #3: Serve Your Wife
How often do you serve your wife? Think about small acts of kindness you could do that she would appreciate. Maybe, it’s making her coffee in the morning or letting her sleep in a little longer while you make the kids breakfast; taking out the trash without being told; making the bed to surprise her; clean up the dishes after a meal; cleaning the bathroom; or offering to do the laundry….these are just a few little things that you can do to serve her. Do something thoughtful for your wife at least once a day. Daily be asking yourself “what is one small act of kindness I could do for her today that would make her life a little easier?” Try not to get into a rut where you do the same thing for her every day. Change it up and be creative. Also, each time you do something to make yourself more comfortable, consider doing something that would make her more comfortable, first. Most of us gravitate toward selfishness and think about what’s best for us throughout the day. Instead, also consider what’s best for your wife and serve her through thoughtful gestures.
Step #4: Communication – Active Listening
Another essential element to becoming a better husband is being an active listener. An active listener is someone who fully focuses on their wife when they speak. This includes putting your phone down, looking at her, and providing your undivided attention. Doing so will make her feel like she matters. Then, respond with empathy when she discusses challenging things in her life. Empathy expresses validation and support. Some of the best empathy statements to master include “It makes sense you would feel ____ because of ____” or “I can see why you would feel ____ because of ____” or “that sucks” or “no wonder you feel that way” or “that sounds ___.” Providing these types of empathy statements are most authentic when you know your wife well. To get to know her well, ask her what the most hurtful things were about her upbringing, what values she was raised with, what matters most to her in life, what her top stressors are, what her top marital needs are, and what her top dreams are for the future. Write down her answers to these questions and review them often because it will allow you to see into her soul and understand how she views the world. Then, with that information in the back of your mind, you will start to understand why certain things make her feel certain ways and that’s when authentic empathy will flow. Also, never provide solutions or advice unless she asks for it, so she doesn’t feel like you’re trying to fix her.
Tip #5: Learn Your Wife’s Love Languages
The fifth tip is learning your wife’s Love Language. You can reach out to us for a printable copy of Love Languages and we would be happy to send you one. Just email us at info@unitymarriageministry.org.
if you can’t figure out what your wife’s love language is then just ask her. You can read the Love Languages together and decide which ones she resonates to and visa versa. It can be lots of fun figuring out together who likes what! Now remember, as we age and mature, our love languages can change. So, just be sure, from time to time, to check in with your spouse. They will appreciate your communication.
These are just a few tips on how to be a better husband. Remember, to keep Jesus at the center. Read the book in the Bible Song of Songs. This is a beautiful way to love each other. Nothing is set in stone. Feel free to add your own tips for your marriage! Working together helps to grow your relationship. I hope this has been beneficial for all you men out there. Please reach out if you have questions to Vik@unitymarriageministry.org….Happy wife, Happy Life!
God Bless