Do you have a New Year’s resolutions? Most people do and most people don’t follow through, but it’s very important to set goals in all areas of life. A lot of couples don’t set goals for their relationship. That’s unfortunate because marriage is a living breathing thing. If you don’t focus on it, if you don’t care for it, it will wilt and die. So, now, I’m going to go through five new resolutions for you to consider for your marriage.
Number 1 – Work through your resentments.
The truth is long term committed relationships almost always have resentments because you have two imperfect people rubbing shoulders daily. Needs are not going to be met. Feelings are going to get hurt, people are going to get offended, they’re going to feel disrespected and when that happens people either blow up or they bottle up. Truth be told, neither way is healthy. So often we get stuck in these resentments and when you have resentments, nothing else goes well. Its like a clog in the pipes of your relationship. When it gets clogged, you take a plunger to get the water flowing again. Love is the water of your relationship, and you need to keep it flowing. At Unity Marriage Ministry, we try to begin our coaching sessions by asking what resentments each person has against the other. We have the clients make a list of their resentments. We work through one resentment at a time. I start there every time because I’ve learned that nothing else goes well until you resolve these resentments. How many resentments do you have in your heart toward your partner?
Some common categories might be finances, intimacy, emotional closeness, conflict resolution style, uneven workload, in-laws, parenting and the list goes on and on. The main thing is that you are spending time working together with your partner to clear the air and make sure each other is not harboring any ill will towards the other. If you find that you can’t work through your resentments on your own, go to our website at www.unitymarriageministry.org and click on coaching. You can get a session with one of our coaches to help you. This is step one of beginning your New Year resolution for your marriage. Start by resolving your resentments, talk to your partner about what resentments you have, what resentments they have, and then be intentional this year to work through those.
Number 2 – increase your Emotional Intimacy. Remember, you can’t do that unless you first work through your resentments. You can’t feel emotionally close with someone when you have resentment towards them. That’s why resentments come first, but once you’ve tackled those resentments, now it’s time to cultivate your emotional intimacy. A common question is how do we cultivate emotional intimacy? And my answer is to do a head / heart check. This is where you ask your partner what’s been on their head and heart. Now, before you ask that question, make sure you know what’s been on your head and heart. Some of us aren’t very good with knowing off the top of our heads what we’ve been feeling throughout the day. Take me for example, I must work at this. Before my wife and I do our head / heart, I have to think for a few moments about what I have been feeling. Was there anything that made me feel bad? Did I get upset? What were my highs today? Was I fearful about anything and why?
If I can think about that and consolidate my feelings and the reasons, then when my wife and I have our head / heart conversation, I’m going to have more to share. I will be fulfilling one of her top needs. The need of emotional intimacy. I can’t recall the number of times that she’d request more emotional intimacy in our marriage, and I would say “what do you mean? I share about my day with you all the time.” She would respond, “I don’t want to hear about all you did, I want to hear about what you felt while you were doing those things.” This is still an area that I have considerable room for growth, as I revert to my Marine Corps days of push your feelings aside. I still work on expressing my emotions in thinking about my feelings because I don’t live in my feelings. I’m much more action oriented and left brained. So, I’ve had to work on getting more in touch with what I have been feeling and how I can express them in words to her to share so she understands. In all this head / heart conversation, there are two ground rules to remember:
First, you can’t say anything negative about your partner. If you do, they’re going to get defensive. The head / heart time is about what you have been feeling throughout the day. This is where you share with each other thoughts you have had, maybe a vision, or your work, finances. It could be about the kids, or your friends, your hobbies? You talk about all the things that transpired in your day and the thoughts/feelings you had. This is not the time to talk bring up negative things about your partner.
Second, you cannot give advice, unless your partner asks you for it. Therefore, all you can provide is empathy. Some common empathy statements to master are “that sucks” or “no wonder you like that” or “it makes sense you would feel X because of Y.” When you empathize that creates safety for your partner to feel supported and that conveys to them that it’s safe to share. This makes them open up more which is what you are trying to accomplish. That’s the primary way I encourage couples to cultivate emotional intimacy. All of us are changing every day. We have new things that are making us feel different things and unless you have a method to stay updated with your partner, you’re going to get outdated. The head / heart conversation is a great way to stay updated and that should be a new resolution for your marriage moving forward.
Number 3 – Increase your constructive feedback. This brings a slew of emotions into play. A question I get asked a lot is why would I want to increase constructive feedback? It’s simple, the reason is because you probably bottle it up. You don’t want to start a fight, or you don’t want your partner to get defensive. But then what happens is you have these negative feelings inside of you that go unaddressed? It makes you passive-aggressive, or makes you antagonistic, or maybe you get contemptuous, or it builds up and then you blow up and have a big fight. To avoid those circumstances and for that to not turn into resentment, you need to increase how frequently you share constructive feedback on things that bother you. Things that hurt your feelings, things that rub you the wrong way. A recommendation on how to implement this is using the bullseye question. You ask your partner, “what’s one thing I did right today and what’s one thing I could have done better?” This is important for several reasons. First, it’s going to increase praise in your relationship and all of us could use more praise. Second, it’s going to give your partner permission to share constructive feedback, but there’s one ground rule. That rule is, all you’re allowed to say in response once you get that feedback is “thank you for the feedback.” Then you’re going to take that feedback, mull it over for a few days and sift through it. Think about what’s the core or root of truth in this feedback? What’s the piece of this that I know I’m guilty of, and what’s the part that I could improve on? And because you’re in control of that, and no one’s telling you what to do, and no one’s telling you how to change, your defense will stay low and your internal motivation to do something about it stays high. That’s what you want. TIP: You ask this bullseye question right after the head / heart conversation. Both of you feel you are in a safe space and sharing with each other. No one is being accusatory or pointing fingers. You both are trying to help each other grow and growing together is a beautiful thing!
Number 4 – Increase your fun together. How much fun do you and your partner have together? I recommend couples having two mini dates a week. Now, I recognize that may not be realistic for where you are in your relationship right now. Maybe you’re too busy, things are too crazy, but I can guarantee you the more you have mini dates, the better your relationship is going to get. Carve out time, turn off the TV, stop looking at social media, spend more time with your partner. Whatever fun looks like for the two of you. If you do not make your marriage a priority, you cannot expect it to do well. Your marriage is alive! Think of it like this: It’s a plant, if you don’t water it, if you don’t nurture it, if you don’t fertilize it, it’s going to suffer. You cannot expect to put your marriage in the corner and expect it to thrive. It doesn’t work like that. Your marriage needs attention, it needs focus and mini dates are one of the best ways to do that.
Number 5 – Increasing your physical intimacy. How often do you and your partner touch? How often do you show affection? How often do you have sensual time? You need it a lot. Increase how much nonsexual touch you’re giving to your partner. Examples: hugging each other in the mornings; holding hands while you drive down the road; cuddling before you fall asleep at night; touching each other on the back or on the shoulder when you’re in the kitchen together. Any type of small touches throughout the day builds up and they add up. That will help you feel closer and if you’re not already, start prioritizing central time at least once a week. Sensual time can be cuddling together; it can be doing a central massage together. When you enter that realm, it’s sacred territory. It’s romantic! You can set the scene, set the lights, set the music, enjoy each other, relax physically in each other’s presence. Some nights that may lead to more, some nights it may not. But at least you’re prioritizing sensual time. You are creating the atmosphere to feel connected physically which is often needed as a bridge to physical intimacy. The more you prioritize central time, the more comfortable and freer you will feel with your partner. So, central time is something a lot of couples neglect. It’s needed to feel close with your partner.
In conclusion, those are five new year resolutions for marriage to consider. Please send me some feedback on what you think to vik@unitymarriageministry.org. I would love to hear from you! Thank you and God bless!